It's not enough to be tall and imposing,
I want to be hairy as well.
I want mice to make nests
In the hair on my chest
And I want a more masculine smell

I want to be matted with mohair,
So stiff that my razor will snap,
I'll outclass gorillas,
Llamas and chinchillas
With the volume of hair on my back

I will look like the man from the circus
Whose body is swathed in the stuff,
It will take me an hour
To shampoo and shower
And the plughole will clog up with fluff

My friends and my relatives shun me
My barber is, frankly, appalled
They say it's insane
To bathe in Regaine
But I really don't want to go bald.